TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for historical lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed from the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully from put. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Certainly, certain, let's have One more position where American Males can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: offer you everyone a collection over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electric power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It's that he need to cease utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the undertaking, replied, "You understand, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Good tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Area, a aspect becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after getting the building's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not simply unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Options


Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may possibly contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Area Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They may Come"


The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Permanently."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD might have turn-down service."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It necessary gold. It required a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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